Crackers in Bed

The vest poll has now been closed. The vote was close, but the basket weave pattern won out. As soon as that became clear, I set out to swatch and experiment, ultimately deciding to following the schematics of the pullover sweater, changing the collar, reshaping the neck/shoulder and eliminating the sleeves. I got about 5 rows into the basket weave pattern when I realized this project was going to be extremely boring for me unless I changed things around somewhat to make the pattern a challenge for me and, with any luck,  for anyone else following the pattern.

While the basket weave pattern itself hasn’t changed…of the many I have found, the one used in the pullover and the hoodie works best for me… I have altered the sequence so as to center the pattern to accommodate a v-neck. So I started over again and 3 rows in I was still bored. What can I do?  Let’s really shake it up, this time.

Rather than working the ribbing separately from the body, the vest begins with ribbing…with a twist. Rather than standard vertical ribbing, the vest will use horizontal ribbing. The feature will be continued on the shoulder edging and along the v-neck.  So, I began again.  I started with the back, worked my ribbing with a G hook and changed to a H as I continued working the body. I got maybe 7 rows done and I realized I needed to do this completely differently.

Th vest will be worked in the round ..in ONE piece..hooray!!!…beginning with the horizontal ribbing, on up through the body until neck and shoulder shaping will necessitate working front and back with separate yarn attachments. BUT…the only sewing required will be to attached at the shoulders.

So now I have begun in earnest. Working in the round, I have completed 9 rows of horizontal ribbing and have worked three rows of the basket weave pattern. So far, so good. My only concern is the joining point of the rows, but vigilant care should keep that from being messy. The v-neck is going to be a challenge, but, to my mind, is necessary for the vest. I don’t think a crew neck really works.

My plan is to  keep you  updated on the design process. While I am fairly certain of the direction I will follow, the exact execution is subject to trial and error. I can see the garment in my mind; God willing, my hands will achieve the goal.

As I start the process of designing this vest, I am entering foreign territory. Won’t you journey with me?

If you have difficulty placing your vote , please just email me at peter@hooker-bear.com with your response. or simply leave a comment to this posting. Thanks.

I have recently received a number of requests for a sweater vest pullover design. I don’t have a lot of time right now, but if I am able to use one of my existing sweater designs as a starting point, I could well have something out by mid-September, just in time for Christmas stitching. Please participate in the poll I have set up at the bottom of the middle column of this page. I will attach photos of the sweaters in question below.

Thanks for your time. Based upon the reponses to the poll, I will attempt to whip something out that will be pleasing to everyone.

Click on photo for enlargement.

Gatsby

Basket Weave

Kilroy

10.  In a pinch, a K hook makes an adequate swizzle stick.
09.  Black is not necessarily black.
08.  The row where you do not count stitches will be the row with the mistake.
07.  “No Dye Lot” means “You’re on your own”
06.  Black is not necessarily black
05.  Gauge is a destination, not a journey.
04.  That row you just frogged will take twice as long to complete the second time around.
03.  No matter how valiant your attempt at order, that row you just frogged will wind up in a tangled mess on the   floor.
02.  Black is not necessarily black.
01.  It is completely possible to be a hooker while remaining completely clothed.

I have not been faithful in keeping up with this journal. Sometimes life gets in the way of good intentions. I will get back on the ball soon with more crochet talk but, in the meantime, share a chuckle with me. I don’t often laugh out loud while surfing the ole WWW, but this is truly funny.

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, ‘Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?  What’s the matter with you?’

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, ‘I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old!’

The husband replies, ‘What did he say about your 55-year old ass?’

‘Your name never came up,’ she replied.

Enjoy your weekend.

Regardless of your political leanings, you have to admit that this guy is brilliantly funny. Enjoy.

Dear Citizens of America:

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’,

‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.”

3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you

may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables… Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling “gasoline”) - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for “Big Girls Blouse”.

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

Sometimes, words are not enough. As I watched the following video, I was brought to tears at the simple majesty of the spectacle. Please share a moment to witness absolute beauty.

Learning to crochet was not difficult for me…once I got over my fear of failure and realized that it was NOT rocket science. Although, I must admit, that my initial struggle with a crochet pattern prompted me to wish for some sort of Rosetta Stone to translate the gibberish. But, before long, it began to make sense. That which made no sense one day became a matter of course the next. I dare say that now there is nothing I will not tackle. I’m not saying that I enjoy every stitch in every pattern I crochet (I ABHOR hdc!!!!!!), but I’ve yet to find an instruction I could not follow.

Now, I am not a boastful person and my reflection here is not to inflate my worth on the planet. I simply want to illustrate that, against many odds, I learned to do something that I always believed was beyond my grasp. I have become proficient in a craft my mother was reluctant to share with me. I regret she did not live long enough to see my work. But, perhaps, it is just as well. She was a woman of her time when gender identities were strong and intransigent. Perhaps, it is just as well.

Because the vast majority of crocheters are women, most of the apparel patterns available are for women. Most designers and publishers cater to the obvious majority. Many of the new subscribers to the Men Who Crochet Yahoo group tell me, with their request to join the group, that they are looking for patterns for men or that they are interested in finding out what men want to crochet for themselves or others. Since some of our members are designers, I find this to be an encouraging sign of good things to come.

I belong to a number of crochet groups online. As a matter of habit, many of the listers start their posts with “hello ladies”, or some such salutation. I used to be offended and express my outrage at being overlooked and excluded. I would contend that it was not a major imposition to expect folks to think before they wrote in order to be inclusive. Well, I have given up that fight. I have been flamed into submission. I will rest, convinced that such things will never change as long as crochet is regarded as “women’s work”. I will instead concentrate my energies on enlisting more and more men to join us happy hookers. It is only when more men are visible and vocal that we will be regarded among the many. We don’t want to take over, y’all. We just want to be one of you.

Since  last I wrote, I have endured another birthday. Actually, I acknowledged the 37th anniversary of my 21st birthday (you can do the math!) In my mind I am still 35; my body says otherwise.  Oy, the aches and pains. Whoever said that grower older was a graceful process?  My body is conducting warfare on itself!

Oh well. I guess another birthday is a small price to pay considering the ultimate alternative. Now, where is my Geritol?

In belated celebration of the fateful (or, should I say birth) day, let me share with you a few chuckles which recently arrived in my inbox.

It’s been fun being a baby boomer… until now.  Some artists are revising their hits of the past with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers:

They include:

Herman’s Hermits — Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr — I Get By With a Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees — How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?

Bobby Darin — Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash

Roberta Flack — The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash — I Can’t See Clearly Now!

Paul Simon — Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores — Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye — Heard It Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem — A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer — You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations — Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone

Abba — Denture Queen

Tony Orlando — Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy — I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore — It’s My Procedure, and I’ll Cry If I Want Too!

And my favorite:

Willie Nelson — On the Commode Again

I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane. Oops. If you are as old as I, maybe I shouldn’t have said trip!

To keep this stitch related, I’m happy to share that I received, as a birthday gift, a set of Clover Soft Touch Hooks, C thru J (thanks, Anita). What a godsend for these arthritic fingers of mine.

Sweater update:  The sizing of the large sizes of the Basket Weave Pullover has become problematic, but I promise to have everything complete presently. My apologies to those of you who have pre-purchased the pattern. I’ll have it in your hands as soon as I can. Thanks for your patience.